Autopsy the Clown – Good Clown Gone Bad

Dipsy-Doo Dunk-Aroo Babieeeeee!! It’s that magical time of the year….March Madness Babieeeeee!!   It’s time to kill tree’s and print out 100’s of brackets and sit around the kitchen table with a fat joint and a can of beer as you pick through every scenerio imaginable in an attempt to win your office pool with the lousy $250 payout.  You know, the same one you lost last year to the fat lady in accounting who clips her finger nails at her desk, has a black poppy seed stuck in between her front teeth for what seems like a month atleast & breath that you can smell from a mile away. Well my friend this year is going to be different. Instead of chasing after that March Madness $$$, I am going to bring it to you. Here is what I have done for the last four years and have raked in the ca$h money each and every year and now I am passing on my sure fire March Madness winning formula to you, free of charge!  I want you to set up your own pool. Make the entry fee $20 bucks. I want you to call your friends, co-workers, neighbors, guys at you’re barber shop etc. Contact everyone you know and get them to join your march madness pool. Once you land say 100 people at $20 a pop you’ll have a cool two thousand dollars. Once everyone is in, send out an email wishing everyone the best of luck. After the first day’s games, send out another email with that day’s results. Do the same thing again on the second day of action as well. However, here is a key part. In 5th place and in 11th place I want you to use 2 fake people in these slots. I always like to use Phil from Brooklyn and Bobby from da Bronx. After Day 2’s games, move you’re “Phil” and “Bobby” up a couple slots. Once the Round of Sweet 16 comes & the Elite 8 do the same thing but while moving you’re “Phil” up, be sure to drop you’re “Bobby” down a peg or two. Now here is the main ingredient to this winning recipe . This part here is huge so don’t go & fuck it up. Delete you’re email address, quit you’re job, change you’re cell phone # and take yourself a nice, long vacation because you just won $2000.oo!!! That’s how you become  a PTP’er baby!!!!!

So after hearing the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death I felt horrible. I think back of my younger days watching License to Drive on the couch in my parent’s basement while playing Sally Stinkfinger with the neighborhood girls underneath the covers. Those were some good days! Side note, do guys still finger their girls? It was so cool to finger a girl when you were a young teen. Now a days they probably skip that & go right for anal sex!  Teen’s these days, gotta love them. Anyways, sorry for the distraction & back to Corey. When I heard his family was struggling with funds I thought to myself, how can I help them? Well financially I couldn’t as all of my money is tied up into drugs and my stable of whores…errr I mean stocks & bonds. Then it hit me like a ton of crack rocks & that’s when the Corey Haim Funeral Special was born. Unfortunately the family did not respond to my offer which was free of charge. I mean how could they pass up the following?

I would have performed the ceremony personally. I became an ordained minister over the internet back in 2004 for $9.95 so I believe that makes me qualified. I also was willing to donate a coffin out of my personal collection. I even had the perfect one picked out. It was a beautiful white marble casket with white silk lining. The best thing about it wasn’t the lining or what it was made of but the very fact that the casket was made in the shape of a vicodin!! I mean how fitting was that? :: sigh ::

I also offered to sing graveside. The list of songs included Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrisette, Just Like a Pill by Pink, Happy Pills by Candlebox or I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred ( a personal favorite ).

I even had my friends willing to assist as pallbearers.

After all that no one returned my calls or emails. I was sad but I understand.

Anyways, my Eulogy for Corey Haim. Everybody please Stand.

I will say a Prayer for this Rollerboy. When I fall asleep I will Dream a little Dream about this Lost Boy who probably never had the chance to meet his Firstborn’s Secret Admirer…Lucas. With his License to Drive he made a Fast Getaway like a Silver Bullet… Blown Away in his Dream Machine that Double O’ Kid did Anything for Love almost as if he knew it was his National Lampoon’s Last Resort in this lifetime. Oh What a Night it was on Fever Lake. Hmm, wait…maybe it was at Snowboard Academy or Demolition High? No no, it was at Demolition University that night we did Shooters on the Side. Either way it was Never Too Late to get Busted up. It was a Universal Groove thing we had going on. Well we all make Decisions and now we have to live with them. As you made yours, the American Sunsets & you have checked into the New Terminal Hotel aka Shark City. Goodbye Corey, I’m gonna buy a bag of Crank tonight, that High Voltage type shit and sit back and watch License to Drive and play Sally Stinkfinger with a random Crackwhore and call it a day. RIP COREY HAIM, it should have been Corey Feldman, that punk motherfucker!

Ok so alot of people have been asking where Autopsy has been. Rumors have been running wild about my whereabouts over these last few months. Such rumors include that I overdosed, was sentenced to prison, was murdered by one of my attempted victims, joined the army to legally kill Iraqis & that I actually cleaned up my act and became a happy clown. Well I am here to put the rumors to bed. Where was I these last few months? The answer is simple. I was home! I don’t do the winter time. I don’t like the cold air, fuck  that shit. I sat on my couch and on a daily basis I did pretty much every drug you can imagine and I ordered a different prostitute pretty much every damn day as well. I got high and laid all winter long. Nothing fancy, just a typical day in the life of a clown. Well the cold air is just about gone and the warm weather is knocking on the door which means….I’m baaccckkk!!  Now  between the time when  I  was getting high and banging hookers daily, I was able to get some thinking done. I started to think of some stuff I would like to do once it’s warm out & have come up with this list of fun little things I am going to do so without further adue, I present to you…Autopsy the Clown’s spring to do list!

1. Read a Book to a child:  I feel like the community has given me so much over the years such as tons of foreclosed homes I can hide out in after I rape, murder or kidnap someone. They have also given me easy access to homeless people that I like to use to practice my craft on. Now it’s time I give back and who better to give back to then a child, our future. With that said I will be at the John Booth Library on April 17th at 6pm and I will be reading to the children. After much thought I have decided to go with the literary classic known as the Joy of Sex. I choose that book b/c I think kids likes books with pictures in it. We’ll cover everything from the Blumpkin to the Cleveland Steamer. Most importantly, I think it would be great parenting for the mothers to attend as well that way I can demonstrate the various positions on them. I am very big on crowd participation as you know.

Why is my mommy sucking on that clown’s wee wee while he is taking a shit?

2. Play a game of Gin with an elderly person at a nursing home: I love old people. They built this country for us and now its time I repay them. I plan on going to the Driftwood Nursing Home on May 3rd and will play card games with any willing old person. I love playing cards with old people but what I love more about old people is that they have an insane amount of prescription medications. Therefore while I am there I will go from room to room and steal all of their medications for my own personal use. I love easy access to free drugs!

Dagnabit! Who stole my Oxycontin & Cialis???

3. I would like to attend a NAACP rally. African Americans are what make this country great in my opinion. Their uncanny ability to dribble a basketball behind their back & through their legs are second to none and don’t even get me started on high they can jump. I think it’s time I thank them for all they have done therefore I shall attend an NAACP rally in Birmingham, Alabama on May 22nd infront of city hall. I want this to go just right so  that’s why I have went into the attic and located my great grandfather’s favorite outfit…his Ku Klux Klan uniform. I think they’ll appreciate the effort and sincerity that I am putting into this, don’t you?

I personally think the robe makes my thighs look fat

4. Abolish anyone with Foreskin: When I was sitting home day after day this past winter I watched alot of porn. One night me and this whore were watching an orgy film and a couple guys had foreskin which I found to be grotesque. When I mentioned that to Alize ( the hooker’s name of course, I guess she thought “Nancy or Kim” was too exotic ) she told me something that blew my mind. She told me that she has some gay male prostitute friends and they love guys with foreskin. They call it “Faggot’s Bubblegum”. When the mental image of some dude just gnawing away on another man’s foreskin appeared in my mind I began to violently throw up on myself. With that said I can never chew gum again and that’s why I am working on a new project called the “Circumsizer 5000″.  I am out to rid the world of Faggot’s Bubblegum!

The early draft of the Circumsizer 5000!

5. I would like to attend a Ku Klux Klan rally. What just because of what I said about the NAACP rally you think I hate black people? Not true at all as I hate everyone equally!  Now on June 1st in some small ass town in Georgia I will be attending a KKK rally and will be in proper attire. A dope Rocawear hockey jersey, a pair of fly ass fubu jeans and away with the clown makeup and in with the black face!  I also like to accessorize therefore I will have a boombox on my shoulder with Kill Whitey blasting. I think the toothless, inbred klansmen will appreciate the effort and sincerity that I am putting into this, don’t you?

Clown Fro fo’ Life!!

So I was sitting on my couch getting ready to spend an intimate evening with my fleshlight when I caught a glimpse of my tv and saw an apple commercial for it’s iPhone and they were stating that there was an “app for that”. I thought it was cool because I own a iPhone ( um yes clowns have cell phones ). Anyways as I continued to prepare my fleshlight for a good thumpin’ I saw yet another commercial and it was for Verizon and they were stating that there was a “map for that”. A weak counter punch to Apple’s campaign but what do I know about 3G coverage? I am just a clown remember? Anyways as I began to pull down my pants I started to have a vision and began to think that if there is an app for that and there is a map for that then by george there must be a clown for that so without further a due, Autopsy presents to you….There’s a clown for that!!

Did your brother & sister just die in a horrible car accident? Are you now suffering from anxiety as your about to bury them? Don’t worry because “There is a clown for that!!!” I’ll show up at the funeral parlor, prop them up on my segway and motor their dead asses around the funeral home! I’ll even tie streamers and cans to the back of the segway with a sign that says “Just Died!”. So don’t let their funeral be a sad occasion, let it be a fun occasion because “There’s a Clown for that!!”

We’re you just racially discriminated against?  Did someone of another ethnicity make fun of your heritage?  Well guess what?  “There’s a Clown for that!”. Call Autopsy and I will track down the racist and will shout harmful names at them until they develop some sort of complex. I will go to their work and make sure his 75K/year salary is knocked down to minimum wage! Instead of laying poolside next to wifey, we’ll make sure his ass is now cleaning pools while I’m out making his wife turn tricks! So the next time your passed up for a job because of your race, remember to call on me because “There’s a Clown for that!!!”

Do you look in the mirror and say, I need to go on a diet? Do you eat a bucket of chicken but drink diet soda? Well my friend that means you’re fat!!  But guess what? “There’s a Clown for that!”  Fuck Jenny Craig, I’ll watch your weight! I’ll sew your asshole shut and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you until you have mashed potatoes oozing out of every god damn crevice on your stretch marked carcass! So the next time your beard has more strands of spaghetti then it does hair, remember…”There’s a Clown for that!”

Staring in the mirror, feeling sad? You have no friends nor do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Ready to throw in the towel and commit suicide?  Fuck that!! You don’t have to do that? Why??  Well that’s because “There’s a Clown for that!”  I’ll slit your wrists with a pair of your childhood ice skates, then smother you with a pillow, then force feed you everything in your medicine cabinet, then tie a noose around your neck and hang you and after a minute of dangling, I’ll cut ya down where you’ll fall into a nice cold bath where you’ll then be greeted with a blow dryer & a toaster!!  Best part is, you don’t have to lift a finger! So the next time your feeling weak and ready to give up on life just remember…”There’s a Clown for that!”

Is your kid being bullied at school? Does he or she come home from school everyday crying and sad? Are they are on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie atleast 3 times a week? Well parents, do not worry anymore & why you ask? Well duh you dumb fucker….”There’s a Clown for that!” I will track down the bully & teach them a lesson they shall never forget. I’ll  remove all of their toe nails & finger nails using a pair of old rusty pliers then I’ll sew their nose to their ballsack! So the moral of the story is if you’re kid is getting picked on, your siblings died, your suicidal, your a target of a race crime or your just a fat ass, all you need to do is remember 5 little words…”There’s a Clown for that!”

Ahh, the fine art of twisting balloons into objects such as cute little animals or into funny hats or even cool vehicles. I remember when I first became a clown and was working a birthday party for this little boy and I was sitting in a chair with about 15-20 kids sitting on the floor next to me and they were watching in amazement as I was blowing up balloons and twisting them into pink flamingos and little white puppy dogs for them. Their little faces were lit up with happiness and joy as their smiles stretched from ear to ear as I was handing them out to them. At that moment I remember thinking to myself “Autopsy, the joy your bringing to these kids through the simple art of twisting balloons is why you became a clown” and at that moment I nodded with approval thinking how fun this shit was. That day seems like an eternity ago and that’s because it was. These days, there is only one thing I hate more then kids and that’s twisting balloons into cute animals. I mean how many times can you turn a regular old balloon into a giraffe or something?  It gets old fast and sooner or later your going to lose your mind and that’s exactly what happened to me.

I was working this birthday party out in Long Island and it was for this rich ass family who had this huge ass house. The husband worked on Wall Street or the NYSE. Anyways it was a beautiful day, I was sitting by the pool with the kids and of course they wanted me to twist balloons for them. I didn’t want to but I had a flask full of whiskey on me and I was well on my way to being shitfaced so I figured why the hell not? As I was twisting balloons for the little rich brats, I saw the mother walking out from the house down towards the pool. She was a piece of ass…tall, slender, blond with a great set of fake tits. It’s almost as if me and her we’re the only 2 people at the party as I stared directly at her as she strolled towards my direction. She walked right up to me, kneeled down & rested her hand on my knee then started to say something. I didn’t hear a damn word she said as my eyes we’re fixated on her luscious lips. Finally after being lost in her eyes I heard these little brats crying their eyes out and at that moment I snapped out of my trance. I looked up at the mother who at that point was flipping out on me. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Kids we’re crying, the mother was screaming & cussing me out while the other parents began running over to us to see what on earth had happened. As I stood up the mother shouted out to me “Get your shit and get the hell outta here you sick bastard!!!”    Me?  sick bastard?  Well yeah but what did I do to warrant this name calling now and as I bent down to grab my flask that was sitting next to my chair, I found out why I was being called those names. The balloon I was twisting….

You see what had happened, I was twisting balloons for the kids and as the hot mother with the big boobies was approaching me, I lost focus on twisting the balloon that was suppose to be an llama or some weird animal. I was so fixated on the hot mom  all my brain could compute was me banging this hot ass mother with the big fake breasts which translated into me twisting a balloon of exactly what I wanted to do to her. Anyways, the kids we’re confused and the parents we’re outraged. Needless to say the cops we’re called and I was escorted off of the property and I’m no longer allowed to perform in that town but something good did come out of it all and that was X-Rated Balloon Twisting!  I have rediscovered a true love of mine thanks to that hot ass milf in Long Island!

Let’s face it, just about everyone loves a good party. There are many things that can factor into having a good party such as good food, tasty cocktails, hot music, cool people and great drugs. But what’s missing these days are some fun ass party games. That’s why I have created “Party Games by Autopsy” which will be a sure fire way to turn your good party into a great party. I have taken some classic games & put a new spin on them such as turning Duck Duck Goose into Duck Duck Noose which is shaping up to be very popular in the south. I have another variation of DDG which I am calling Fuck Fuck Noose. It was a personal favorite of David Carradine. One game that we cannot play is Simon says. That’s because Simon is dead. I fuckin killed his punk ass!  Don’t worry though, you can now do what Autopsy says! What, you don’t want to do what I say? No problem then & move onto another fun game such as bobbin’ for Crapples!  Stick your head in a toilet and see just how many crapples you can pull out with your teeth!  My personal record is 11.  Now no party is complete though without a grab bag. Everyone likes a grab bag. Who doesn’t like to leave a party without getting some “swag?” Well I have redefined the classic grab bag and I am proud to introduce to you…the Colonoscopy Grab Bag! Roll up your sleeve and reach in elbow deep to see what treasure you can pull out! So the next time you are at a party make sure you make it an unforgettable one by playing Party Games by Autopsy!

Abra-Abra-Cadaver, I’m going to reach out and stab ya! I am proud to announce my latest package for your entertainment and that is Abracadaver – Magic by Autopsy the Clown. This magical experience is 100% interactive with my audience as these tricks will literally blow your mind! This package is more suited for a larger audience such as corporate events or comic book conventions but still can be done for your child’s birthday party or Grandma & Grandpa’s 50th anniversary party. David Blaine, Criss Angel ain’t got shit on Autopsy when it comes to magic. My special brand, Abracadaver is dead on magic folks. Here is just a taste of what you’ll get….

Saw a Man/Woman in Half – I will ask for the fattest male or female
volunteer out of the audience to join me on stage where I will stuff them in a box & carve them up like a thanksgiving day turkey using an arsenal of saws such as a Bone Saw, Chain Saw & a Jigsaw. This volunteer will most certainly have piece of mind when they hobble away from this experience. This trick is sponsored by the folks at Stihl and Mike’s Meat Packing Plant.

Sword Swallower – Another trick that will involve a lucky female volunteer from the audience in which I will pull out my “skin sword” and make it totally disappear as I insert it into her mouth and down her throat making her swallow every bit of it. It’s an orgasmic  trick that’ll truly leave you choked up inside!

Catch a bullet – Think you can catch a speeding bullet between your teeth? I think you can and all you need is some encouragement to do it and thats what I am going to give you. I have an uzi which was given to me by a Mexican gangbanger as payment for his daughter’s birthday party and with this uzi I am going to unload every bullet in it right at your face from about 10 yards away and we’ll see exactly how many bullets you can catch in between your teeth! You’ll be blown away over the results!!!

The 3 Shell Game – Feeling lucky? Well one lucky spectator will be able to play this classic game with a new twist. I will use 3 shells in which I will quickly move them around mixing them up at which point you’ll have to identify which one has a pea under it. Be careful though because the 2 that do not have a pea under it both contain objects you do not want to uncover with one being a posionous black widow spider and the other being a poison dart frog. It’s a game to die for!

All this and much, much more!  Also look out for Abracadaver – Magic by Autopsy the board game coming soon to a Woolworth’s near you!

Have a loved one on death row? Want to send them out with a bang? Show them just how much you care by hiring Autopsy to perform at their execution. No matter what the type of death that they have been summoned to, I will make sure that your loved one dies with a smile on their face!

Electric Chair - Imagine the shocked look on your loved ones face as I stand before them as they are about to be zapped off the face of the earth. First I will pour nair all over the inmate because Autopsy will do a lot of sick shit but shaving another man is not one of them. Even I have my limits. Once that is complete I will place my custom designed clown inspired metal skull cap around his noggin & instead of using a wet sponge on his forehead I am going to use a maxi pad soaked in urine which is strictly for my own amusement. Once they are hooked up and are locked in for the ride, I will place a lone ranger mask over his face that way he can see me perform my version of the electric slide  to Ride the Lightning by Metallica which will take his mind off of things as 3,000 volts fries him like a piece of Kentucky’s finest chicken! If their eyeballs pop out or the prisoner defecates, urinates or vomits, you’ll receive an extra 10% off so keep your fingers crossed that Johnny Bad Boy sizzles like a piece of bacon!

Firing Squad – Send them out with a bang!  With my “Bite the Bullet” package as I like to call it, what we’ll do is take the prisoner and stand them against a brick wall. In most death by firing squads what they like to do is use a black hood to cover the inmate’s head but to me that is too blah so with my package I like to spice things up and all prisoner’s about to die will be fitted with a replica mask of Rosie O’Donnell simply because I hate that whore. Now with this package I will actually be a trigger man but since I don’t have pinpoint sniper precision nor do I own a Red Ryder BB Gun, I will be using a Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher to blow your loved one to smithereens. It’s that simple. Clean up on aisle 4.

Death by Stoning – You know, it’s so damn hard to pick out the perfect rock. Seriously which rock should I use?  How can a clown decide between Igneous, Sedimentary and Metamorphic? I never paid attention to that crap back in the days in my earth science classes when I was enrolled at SWCC  ( Southwestern Clown College! Goooo Fightin’ Bozos! ) Anyways as I was saying, one night I was stoned ( get it? ) watching an episode of the Flintstones when I saw Fred twinkle toeing his way to a perfect 300 game and that’s when it hit me!  We’ll first bury the prisoner up to his neck in shit so only their head is exposed as if it was a bowling pin. I will then stand approximately 10 feet away as I begin hurling 28lb bowling balls made out of rock towards their head until their skull shatters like a piece of rocky candy ( get it again? ) As a souvenir you can keep the skull remnants.

Lethal Injection - Ahh lethal injection, one of my favorites. What we do here is actually quite simple. We’ll take an alcohol pad and swab the forearm area to make it nice & clean. We’ll then take a tourniquet and tie it around the bicep to make the veins pop out of the arm like a boner popping out of a pair of sweatpants. Once ready, I’ll inject a healthy dose of heroin into my system and sit back and enjoy the show as I watch the prisoner get injected with saline solution, sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide & finally potassium chloride ( an old family recipe ) which will stop their heart. I’m high, they die…everyone’s a winner!

* Following methods coming Soon

Hangings -  I am currently working on a noose made exclusively from Silly String! I hope to start using it to hang fucker’s in early 2010.

Gas Chamber - This will take farting & queefing to a whole nother level!

Guillotine - I’m trying to get Bic to build me a huge ass razor to use as a guillotine but no luck yet.

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of chatter stating that I, Autopsy the Clown doesn’t like children which deeply saddens me. The main reason I became a clown was to perform for the children. Sure there are a lot of services I offer that are tailored to the adults of the world but that doesn’t mean that I do not like children. I mean whats not to love? It’s adorable when a kid throws a temper tantrum and kicks and screams while crying out for their mommy or daddy. Another cute thing kids do is pissing & shitting their pants. The trifecta is when a little brat, err I mean little kid throws a temper tantrum after shitting his pants while those little dried up boogers hang from his nose. It just makes you want to say “awwwww, how adorable are you!” while giving those chubby cheeks a nice pinch. So today, I am here to shed the image that I do not like children and therefore have come up with a new business venture strictly for today’s youth. I am proud to announce Playgrounds by Autopsy! A new “cutting edge” line of playground equipment in which kids will love. The first piece of equipment that is being launched is my Cheese Grader inspired Slide. It’s 100% stainless steel that way any bloodshed will not stain this beautiful work of art. I’ve also had a special blend of wax applied over the upper portion of the slide to optimize speed so by the time they get to the bottom they will be haulin’ ass! Anyways, I think the picture speaks for itself. Little Bobby’s face just screams “I Love this Slide” and if he was still with us today then I am sure he’d say it himself. Stay tuned & watch out for more Playgrounds by Autopsy products coming soon to a park near you!

“Feeling Down?  Hire a Clown!”  Welcome to the Official Website of Autopsy the Clown.  I specialize in Funerals, Wakes, Court Proceedings, Surgical Procedures & much, much more. Please feel free to browse some of packages that I offer as well as read some testimonials from some of my most cherised clients. You can also stay up to date regarding your favorite clown by following me on Twitter.