Autopsy the Clown – Good Clown Gone Bad

Have a loved one on death row? Want to send them out with a bang? Show them just how much you care by hiring Autopsy to perform at their execution. No matter what the type of death that they have been summoned to, I will make sure that your loved one dies with a smile on their face!

Electric Chair - Imagine the shocked look on your loved ones face as I stand before them as they are about to be zapped off the face of the earth. First I will pour nair all over the inmate because Autopsy will do a lot of sick shit but shaving another man is not one of them. Even I have my limits. Once that is complete I will place my custom designed clown inspired metal skull cap around his noggin & instead of using a wet sponge on his forehead I am going to use a maxi pad soaked in urine which is strictly for my own amusement. Once they are hooked up and are locked in for the ride, I will place a lone ranger mask over his face that way he can see me perform my version of the electric slide  to Ride the Lightning by Metallica which will take his mind off of things as 3,000 volts fries him like a piece of Kentucky’s finest chicken! If their eyeballs pop out or the prisoner defecates, urinates or vomits, you’ll receive an extra 10% off so keep your fingers crossed that Johnny Bad Boy sizzles like a piece of bacon!

Firing Squad – Send them out with a bang!  With my “Bite the Bullet” package as I like to call it, what we’ll do is take the prisoner and stand them against a brick wall. In most death by firing squads what they like to do is use a black hood to cover the inmate’s head but to me that is too blah so with my package I like to spice things up and all prisoner’s about to die will be fitted with a replica mask of Rosie O’Donnell simply because I hate that whore. Now with this package I will actually be a trigger man but since I don’t have pinpoint sniper precision nor do I own a Red Ryder BB Gun, I will be using a Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher to blow your loved one to smithereens. It’s that simple. Clean up on aisle 4.

Death by Stoning – You know, it’s so damn hard to pick out the perfect rock. Seriously which rock should I use?  How can a clown decide between Igneous, Sedimentary and Metamorphic? I never paid attention to that crap back in the days in my earth science classes when I was enrolled at SWCC  ( Southwestern Clown College! Goooo Fightin’ Bozos! ) Anyways as I was saying, one night I was stoned ( get it? ) watching an episode of the Flintstones when I saw Fred twinkle toeing his way to a perfect 300 game and that’s when it hit me!  We’ll first bury the prisoner up to his neck in shit so only their head is exposed as if it was a bowling pin. I will then stand approximately 10 feet away as I begin hurling 28lb bowling balls made out of rock towards their head until their skull shatters like a piece of rocky candy ( get it again? ) As a souvenir you can keep the skull remnants.

Lethal Injection - Ahh lethal injection, one of my favorites. What we do here is actually quite simple. We’ll take an alcohol pad and swab the forearm area to make it nice & clean. We’ll then take a tourniquet and tie it around the bicep to make the veins pop out of the arm like a boner popping out of a pair of sweatpants. Once ready, I’ll inject a healthy dose of heroin into my system and sit back and enjoy the show as I watch the prisoner get injected with saline solution, sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide & finally potassium chloride ( an old family recipe ) which will stop their heart. I’m high, they die…everyone’s a winner!

* Following methods coming Soon

Hangings -  I am currently working on a noose made exclusively from Silly String! I hope to start using it to hang fucker’s in early 2010.

Gas Chamber - This will take farting & queefing to a whole nother level!

Guillotine - I’m trying to get Bic to build me a huge ass razor to use as a guillotine but no luck yet.

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of chatter stating that I, Autopsy the Clown doesn’t like children which deeply saddens me. The main reason I became a clown was to perform for the children. Sure there are a lot of services I offer that are tailored to the adults of the world but that doesn’t mean that I do not like children. I mean whats not to love? It’s adorable when a kid throws a temper tantrum and kicks and screams while crying out for their mommy or daddy. Another cute thing kids do is pissing & shitting their pants. The trifecta is when a little brat, err I mean little kid throws a temper tantrum after shitting his pants while those little dried up boogers hang from his nose. It just makes you want to say “awwwww, how adorable are you!” while giving those chubby cheeks a nice pinch. So today, I am here to shed the image that I do not like children and therefore have come up with a new business venture strictly for today’s youth. I am proud to announce Playgrounds by Autopsy! A new “cutting edge” line of playground equipment in which kids will love. The first piece of equipment that is being launched is my Cheese Grader inspired Slide. It’s 100% stainless steel that way any bloodshed will not stain this beautiful work of art. I’ve also had a special blend of wax applied over the upper portion of the slide to optimize speed so by the time they get to the bottom they will be haulin’ ass! Anyways, I think the picture speaks for itself. Little Bobby’s face just screams “I Love this Slide” and if he was still with us today then I am sure he’d say it himself. Stay tuned & watch out for more Playgrounds by Autopsy products coming soon to a park near you!

“Feeling Down?  Hire a Clown!”  Welcome to the Official Website of Autopsy the Clown.  I specialize in Funerals, Wakes, Court Proceedings, Surgical Procedures & much, much more. Please feel free to browse some of packages that I offer as well as read some testimonials from some of my most cherised clients. You can also stay up to date regarding your favorite clown by following me on Twitter.