Autopsy the Clown – Good Clown Gone Bad

Dipsy-Doo Dunk-Aroo Babieeeeee!! It’s that magical time of the year….March Madness Babieeeeee!!   It’s time to kill tree’s and print out 100’s of brackets and sit around the kitchen table with a fat joint and a can of beer as you pick through every scenerio imaginable in an attempt to win your office pool with the lousy $250 payout.  You know, the same one you lost last year to the fat lady in accounting who clips her finger nails at her desk, has a black poppy seed stuck in between her front teeth for what seems like a month atleast & breath that you can smell from a mile away. Well my friend this year is going to be different. Instead of chasing after that March Madness $$$, I am going to bring it to you. Here is what I have done for the last four years and have raked in the ca$h money each and every year and now I am passing on my sure fire March Madness winning formula to you, free of charge!  I want you to set up your own pool. Make the entry fee $20 bucks. I want you to call your friends, co-workers, neighbors, guys at you’re barber shop etc. Contact everyone you know and get them to join your march madness pool. Once you land say 100 people at $20 a pop you’ll have a cool two thousand dollars. Once everyone is in, send out an email wishing everyone the best of luck. After the first day’s games, send out another email with that day’s results. Do the same thing again on the second day of action as well. However, here is a key part. In 5th place and in 11th place I want you to use 2 fake people in these slots. I always like to use Phil from Brooklyn and Bobby from da Bronx. After Day 2’s games, move you’re “Phil” and “Bobby” up a couple slots. Once the Round of Sweet 16 comes & the Elite 8 do the same thing but while moving you’re “Phil” up, be sure to drop you’re “Bobby” down a peg or two. Now here is the main ingredient to this winning recipe . This part here is huge so don’t go & fuck it up. Delete you’re email address, quit you’re job, change you’re cell phone # and take yourself a nice, long vacation because you just won $2000.oo!!! That’s how you become  a PTP’er baby!!!!!

So after hearing the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death I felt horrible. I think back of my younger days watching License to Drive on the couch in my parent’s basement while playing Sally Stinkfinger with the neighborhood girls underneath the covers. Those were some good days! Side note, do guys still finger their girls? It was so cool to finger a girl when you were a young teen. Now a days they probably skip that & go right for anal sex!  Teen’s these days, gotta love them. Anyways, sorry for the distraction & back to Corey. When I heard his family was struggling with funds I thought to myself, how can I help them? Well financially I couldn’t as all of my money is tied up into drugs and my stable of whores…errr I mean stocks & bonds. Then it hit me like a ton of crack rocks & that’s when the Corey Haim Funeral Special was born. Unfortunately the family did not respond to my offer which was free of charge. I mean how could they pass up the following?

I would have performed the ceremony personally. I became an ordained minister over the internet back in 2004 for $9.95 so I believe that makes me qualified. I also was willing to donate a coffin out of my personal collection. I even had the perfect one picked out. It was a beautiful white marble casket with white silk lining. The best thing about it wasn’t the lining or what it was made of but the very fact that the casket was made in the shape of a vicodin!! I mean how fitting was that? :: sigh ::

I also offered to sing graveside. The list of songs included Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrisette, Just Like a Pill by Pink, Happy Pills by Candlebox or I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred ( a personal favorite ).

I even had my friends willing to assist as pallbearers.

After all that no one returned my calls or emails. I was sad but I understand.

Anyways, my Eulogy for Corey Haim. Everybody please Stand.

I will say a Prayer for this Rollerboy. When I fall asleep I will Dream a little Dream about this Lost Boy who probably never had the chance to meet his Firstborn’s Secret Admirer…Lucas. With his License to Drive he made a Fast Getaway like a Silver Bullet… Blown Away in his Dream Machine that Double O’ Kid did Anything for Love almost as if he knew it was his National Lampoon’s Last Resort in this lifetime. Oh What a Night it was on Fever Lake. Hmm, wait…maybe it was at Snowboard Academy or Demolition High? No no, it was at Demolition University that night we did Shooters on the Side. Either way it was Never Too Late to get Busted up. It was a Universal Groove thing we had going on. Well we all make Decisions and now we have to live with them. As you made yours, the American Sunsets & you have checked into the New Terminal Hotel aka Shark City. Goodbye Corey, I’m gonna buy a bag of Crank tonight, that High Voltage type shit and sit back and watch License to Drive and play Sally Stinkfinger with a random Crackwhore and call it a day. RIP COREY HAIM, it should have been Corey Feldman, that punk motherfucker!

Ok so alot of people have been asking where Autopsy has been. Rumors have been running wild about my whereabouts over these last few months. Such rumors include that I overdosed, was sentenced to prison, was murdered by one of my attempted victims, joined the army to legally kill Iraqis & that I actually cleaned up my act and became a happy clown. Well I am here to put the rumors to bed. Where was I these last few months? The answer is simple. I was home! I don’t do the winter time. I don’t like the cold air, fuck  that shit. I sat on my couch and on a daily basis I did pretty much every drug you can imagine and I ordered a different prostitute pretty much every damn day as well. I got high and laid all winter long. Nothing fancy, just a typical day in the life of a clown. Well the cold air is just about gone and the warm weather is knocking on the door which means….I’m baaccckkk!!  Now  between the time when  I  was getting high and banging hookers daily, I was able to get some thinking done. I started to think of some stuff I would like to do once it’s warm out & have come up with this list of fun little things I am going to do so without further adue, I present to you…Autopsy the Clown’s spring to do list!

1. Read a Book to a child:  I feel like the community has given me so much over the years such as tons of foreclosed homes I can hide out in after I rape, murder or kidnap someone. They have also given me easy access to homeless people that I like to use to practice my craft on. Now it’s time I give back and who better to give back to then a child, our future. With that said I will be at the John Booth Library on April 17th at 6pm and I will be reading to the children. After much thought I have decided to go with the literary classic known as the Joy of Sex. I choose that book b/c I think kids likes books with pictures in it. We’ll cover everything from the Blumpkin to the Cleveland Steamer. Most importantly, I think it would be great parenting for the mothers to attend as well that way I can demonstrate the various positions on them. I am very big on crowd participation as you know.

Why is my mommy sucking on that clown’s wee wee while he is taking a shit?

2. Play a game of Gin with an elderly person at a nursing home: I love old people. They built this country for us and now its time I repay them. I plan on going to the Driftwood Nursing Home on May 3rd and will play card games with any willing old person. I love playing cards with old people but what I love more about old people is that they have an insane amount of prescription medications. Therefore while I am there I will go from room to room and steal all of their medications for my own personal use. I love easy access to free drugs!

Dagnabit! Who stole my Oxycontin & Cialis???

3. I would like to attend a NAACP rally. African Americans are what make this country great in my opinion. Their uncanny ability to dribble a basketball behind their back & through their legs are second to none and don’t even get me started on high they can jump. I think it’s time I thank them for all they have done therefore I shall attend an NAACP rally in Birmingham, Alabama on May 22nd infront of city hall. I want this to go just right so  that’s why I have went into the attic and located my great grandfather’s favorite outfit…his Ku Klux Klan uniform. I think they’ll appreciate the effort and sincerity that I am putting into this, don’t you?

I personally think the robe makes my thighs look fat

4. Abolish anyone with Foreskin: When I was sitting home day after day this past winter I watched alot of porn. One night me and this whore were watching an orgy film and a couple guys had foreskin which I found to be grotesque. When I mentioned that to Alize ( the hooker’s name of course, I guess she thought “Nancy or Kim” was too exotic ) she told me something that blew my mind. She told me that she has some gay male prostitute friends and they love guys with foreskin. They call it “Faggot’s Bubblegum”. When the mental image of some dude just gnawing away on another man’s foreskin appeared in my mind I began to violently throw up on myself. With that said I can never chew gum again and that’s why I am working on a new project called the “Circumsizer 5000″.  I am out to rid the world of Faggot’s Bubblegum!

The early draft of the Circumsizer 5000!

5. I would like to attend a Ku Klux Klan rally. What just because of what I said about the NAACP rally you think I hate black people? Not true at all as I hate everyone equally!  Now on June 1st in some small ass town in Georgia I will be attending a KKK rally and will be in proper attire. A dope Rocawear hockey jersey, a pair of fly ass fubu jeans and away with the clown makeup and in with the black face!  I also like to accessorize therefore I will have a boombox on my shoulder with Kill Whitey blasting. I think the toothless, inbred klansmen will appreciate the effort and sincerity that I am putting into this, don’t you?

Clown Fro fo’ Life!!