Have a loved one on death row? Want to send them out with a bang? Show them just how much you care by hiring Autopsy to perform at their execution. No matter what the type of death that they have been summoned to, I will make sure that your loved one dies with a smile on their face!
Electric Chair - Imagine the shocked look on your loved ones face as I stand before them as they are about to be zapped off the face of the earth. First I will pour nair all over the inmate because Autopsy will do a lot of sick shit but shaving another man is not one of them. Even I have my limits. Once that is complete I will place my custom designed clown inspired metal skull cap around his noggin & instead of using a wet sponge on his forehead I am going to use a maxi pad soaked in urine which is strictly for my own amusement. Once they are hooked up and are locked in for the ride, I will place a lone ranger mask over his face that way he can see me perform my version of the electric slide to Ride the Lightning by Metallica which will take his mind off of things as 3,000 volts fries him like a piece of Kentucky’s finest chicken! If their eyeballs pop out or the prisoner defecates, urinates or vomits, you’ll receive an extra 10% off so keep your fingers crossed that Johnny Bad Boy sizzles like a piece of bacon!
Firing Squad – Send them out with a bang! With my “Bite the Bullet” package as I like to call it, what we’ll do is take the prisoner and stand them against a brick wall. In most death by firing squads what they like to do is use a black hood to cover the inmate’s head but to me that is too blah so with my package I like to spice things up and all prisoner’s about to die will be fitted with a replica mask of Rosie O’Donnell simply because I hate that whore. Now with this package I will actually be a trigger man but since I don’t have pinpoint sniper precision nor do I own a Red Ryder BB Gun, I will be using a Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher to blow your loved one to smithereens. It’s that simple. Clean up on aisle 4.
Death by Stoning – You know, it’s so damn hard to pick out the perfect rock. Seriously which rock should I use? How can a clown decide between Igneous, Sedimentary and Metamorphic? I never paid attention to that crap back in the days in my earth science classes when I was enrolled at SWCC ( Southwestern Clown College! Goooo Fightin’ Bozos! ) Anyways as I was saying, one night I was stoned ( get it? ) watching an episode of the Flintstones when I saw Fred twinkle toeing his way to a perfect 300 game and that’s when it hit me! We’ll first bury the prisoner up to his neck in shit so only their head is exposed as if it was a bowling pin. I will then stand approximately 10 feet away as I begin hurling 28lb bowling balls made out of rock towards their head until their skull shatters like a piece of rocky candy ( get it again? ) As a souvenir you can keep the skull remnants.
Lethal Injection - Ahh lethal injection, one of my favorites. What we do here is actually quite simple. We’ll take an alcohol pad and swab the forearm area to make it nice & clean. We’ll then take a tourniquet and tie it around the bicep to make the veins pop out of the arm like a boner popping out of a pair of sweatpants. Once ready, I’ll inject a healthy dose of heroin into my system and sit back and enjoy the show as I watch the prisoner get injected with saline solution, sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide & finally potassium chloride ( an old family recipe ) which will stop their heart. I’m high, they die…everyone’s a winner!
* Following methods coming Soon
Hangings -Â I am currently working on a noose made exclusively from Silly String! I hope to start using it to hang fucker’s in early 2010.
Gas Chamber - This will take farting & queefing to a whole nother level!
Guillotine - I’m trying to get Bic to build me a huge ass razor to use as a guillotine but no luck yet.
The person who makes a success of living is the one who see his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication.
Whenever I hear, ‘It can’t be done,’ I know I’m close to success.