Autopsy the Clown – Good Clown Gone Bad

So I was sitting on my couch getting ready to spend an intimate evening with my fleshlight when I caught a glimpse of my tv and saw an apple commercial for it’s iPhone and they were stating that there was an “app for that”. I thought it was cool because I own a iPhone ( um yes clowns have cell phones ). Anyways as I continued to prepare my fleshlight for a good thumpin’ I saw yet another commercial and it was for Verizon and they were stating that there was a “map for that”. A weak counter punch to Apple’s campaign but what do I know about 3G coverage? I am just a clown remember? Anyways as I began to pull down my pants I started to have a vision and began to think that if there is an app for that and there is a map for that then by george there must be a clown for that so without further a due, Autopsy presents to you….There’s a clown for that!!

Did your brother & sister just die in a horrible car accident? Are you now suffering from anxiety as your about to bury them? Don’t worry because “There is a clown for that!!!” I’ll show up at the funeral parlor, prop them up on my segway and motor their dead asses around the funeral home! I’ll even tie streamers and cans to the back of the segway with a sign that says “Just Died!”. So don’t let their funeral be a sad occasion, let it be a fun occasion because “There’s a Clown for that!!”

We’re you just racially discriminated against?  Did someone of another ethnicity make fun of your heritage?  Well guess what?  “There’s a Clown for that!”. Call Autopsy and I will track down the racist and will shout harmful names at them until they develop some sort of complex. I will go to their work and make sure his 75K/year salary is knocked down to minimum wage! Instead of laying poolside next to wifey, we’ll make sure his ass is now cleaning pools while I’m out making his wife turn tricks! So the next time your passed up for a job because of your race, remember to call on me because “There’s a Clown for that!!!”

Do you look in the mirror and say, I need to go on a diet? Do you eat a bucket of chicken but drink diet soda? Well my friend that means you’re fat!!  But guess what? “There’s a Clown for that!”  Fuck Jenny Craig, I’ll watch your weight! I’ll sew your asshole shut and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you until you have mashed potatoes oozing out of every god damn crevice on your stretch marked carcass! So the next time your beard has more strands of spaghetti then it does hair, remember…”There’s a Clown for that!”

Staring in the mirror, feeling sad? You have no friends nor do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Ready to throw in the towel and commit suicide?  Fuck that!! You don’t have to do that? Why??  Well that’s because “There’s a Clown for that!”  I’ll slit your wrists with a pair of your childhood ice skates, then smother you with a pillow, then force feed you everything in your medicine cabinet, then tie a noose around your neck and hang you and after a minute of dangling, I’ll cut ya down where you’ll fall into a nice cold bath where you’ll then be greeted with a blow dryer & a toaster!!  Best part is, you don’t have to lift a finger! So the next time your feeling weak and ready to give up on life just remember…”There’s a Clown for that!”

Is your kid being bullied at school? Does he or she come home from school everyday crying and sad? Are they are on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie atleast 3 times a week? Well parents, do not worry anymore & why you ask? Well duh you dumb fucker….”There’s a Clown for that!” I will track down the bully & teach them a lesson they shall never forget. I’ll  remove all of their toe nails & finger nails using a pair of old rusty pliers then I’ll sew their nose to their ballsack! So the moral of the story is if you’re kid is getting picked on, your siblings died, your suicidal, your a target of a race crime or your just a fat ass, all you need to do is remember 5 little words…”There’s a Clown for that!”