Autopsy the Clown – Good Clown Gone Bad

So after hearing the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death I felt horrible. I think back of my younger days watching License to Drive on the couch in my parent’s basement while playing Sally Stinkfinger with the neighborhood girls underneath the covers. Those were some good days! Side note, do guys still finger their girls? It was so cool to finger a girl when you were a young teen. Now a days they probably skip that & go right for anal sex!  Teen’s these days, gotta love them. Anyways, sorry for the distraction & back to Corey. When I heard his family was struggling with funds I thought to myself, how can I help them? Well financially I couldn’t as all of my money is tied up into drugs and my stable of whores…errr I mean stocks & bonds. Then it hit me like a ton of crack rocks & that’s when the Corey Haim Funeral Special was born. Unfortunately the family did not respond to my offer which was free of charge. I mean how could they pass up the following?

I would have performed the ceremony personally. I became an ordained minister over the internet back in 2004 for $9.95 so I believe that makes me qualified. I also was willing to donate a coffin out of my personal collection. I even had the perfect one picked out. It was a beautiful white marble casket with white silk lining. The best thing about it wasn’t the lining or what it was made of but the very fact that the casket was made in the shape of a vicodin!! I mean how fitting was that? :: sigh ::

I also offered to sing graveside. The list of songs included Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrisette, Just Like a Pill by Pink, Happy Pills by Candlebox or I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred ( a personal favorite ).

I even had my friends willing to assist as pallbearers.

After all that no one returned my calls or emails. I was sad but I understand.

Anyways, my Eulogy for Corey Haim. Everybody please Stand.

I will say a Prayer for this Rollerboy. When I fall asleep I will Dream a little Dream about this Lost Boy who probably never had the chance to meet his Firstborn’s Secret Admirer…Lucas. With his License to Drive he made a Fast Getaway like a Silver Bullet… Blown Away in his Dream Machine that Double O’ Kid did Anything for Love almost as if he knew it was his National Lampoon’s Last Resort in this lifetime. Oh What a Night it was on Fever Lake. Hmm, wait…maybe it was at Snowboard Academy or Demolition High? No no, it was at Demolition University that night we did Shooters on the Side. Either way it was Never Too Late to get Busted up. It was a Universal Groove thing we had going on. Well we all make Decisions and now we have to live with them. As you made yours, the American Sunsets & you have checked into the New Terminal Hotel aka Shark City. Goodbye Corey, I’m gonna buy a bag of Crank tonight, that High Voltage type shit and sit back and watch License to Drive and play Sally Stinkfinger with a random Crackwhore and call it a day. RIP COREY HAIM, it should have been Corey Feldman, that punk motherfucker!