Rates & Packages
Last modified: October 14, 2009
The Funeral Package consists of me helping you the family celebrate the life of your loved one for the very last time. I will perform my infamous puppet show using the deceased as my puppet! I will also “pimp” the coffin out with all sorts of cool clown shit to make sure that the dead bastard goes out in style! Also included will be an intimate graveside performance of me signing an a caplella version of Cypress Hill’s “How I could just Kill a Man”. Last but not least, at the Repass I will be available for one on one counseling to any female family member or female friend of the family which will take place in the back seat of the clown car.
Laughing Gas? I will be your laughing gas! No matter what the surgical procedure is, let Autopsy the Clown be your guardian angel. I will stand bedside regardless of the procedure. Open Heart surgery, Brain surgery, Reconstructive Anal Sphincter Surgery, Facelifts, Liposuction, Major Organ Transplants, etc! I say bring on the blood and guts! I specialize in Breast Augmentations as well as Balloon Angioplastys! Act now and as a special bonus if you die during your operation then your family will receive a 20% off Coupon for my Wake & Funeral Package!
Is one of your loved ones hooked on drugs? Are they drinking themselves to death? Well it’s not too late to get them the help they need. I say let’s get the friends and family together and help cure your loved one of their addiction. I will personally come to your home and I will pillage their room, turning it upside down until I find their secret drug stash. We’ll then tie your loved one to a chair and I will force them to watch me do all of their drugs and booze. He’s smoking crack? I say bring me the pipe! Snorting coke? Wait until you see this big ass red clown nose in action! Heroin, Smack, Pills, Acid, Shrooms, Weed, PCP, LSD…watch me devour it all!! I will blow through his stash like a tornado hitting a small town in Kansas! If his choice of drug is alcohol then watch me insert a funnel into my mouth an pour all of his beer, whiskey, schnapps, spirits, wine coolers, zima and whatever else little Billy or Suzie has to offer! At that time what we’ll do is load them into the backseat of my clown car and I’ll personally sit in the front seat as you drive the both of us to a Rehab facility b/c I’m gonna be too hammered to drive! It won’t be pretty but it’ll work. For them that is.
Electric Chair - Imagine the shocked look on your loved ones face as I stand before them as they are about to be zapped off the face of the earth. First I will pour nair all over the inmate because Autopsy will do a lot of sick shit but shaving another man is not one of them. Even I have my limits. Once that is complete I will place my custom designed clown inspired metal skull cap around his noggin & instead of using a wet sponge on his forehead I am going to use a maxi pad soaked in urine which is strictly for my own amusement. Once they are hooked up and are locked in for the ride, I will place a lone ranger mask over his face that way he can see me perform my version of the electric slide to Ride the Lightning by Metallica which will take his mind off of things as 3,000 volts fries him like a piece of Kentucky’s finest chicken! If their eyeballs pop out or the prisoner defecates, urinates or vomits, you’ll receive an extra 10% off so keep your fingers crossed that Johnny Bad Boy sizzles like a piece of bacon!
Firing Squad – Send them out with a bang! With my “Bite the Bullet” package as I like to call it, what we’ll do is take the prisoner and stand them against a brick wall. In most death by firing squads what they like to do is use a black hood to cover the inmate’s head but to me that is too blah so with my package I like to spice things up and all prisoner’s about to die will be fitted with a replica mask of Rosie O’Donnell simply because I hate that whore. Now with this package I will actually be a trigger man but since I don’t have pinpoint sniper precision nor do I own a Red Ryder BB Gun, I will be using a Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher to blow your loved one to smithereens. It’s that simple. Clean up on aisle 4.
Death by Stoning – You know, it’s so damn hard to pick out the perfect rock. Seriously which rock should I use? How can a clown decide between Igneous, Sedimentary and Metamorphic? I never paid attention to that crap back in the days in my earth science classes when I was enrolled at SWCC ( Southwestern Clown College! Goooo Fightin’ Bozos! ) Anyways as I was saying, one night I was stoned ( get it? ) watching an episode of the Flintstones when I saw Fred twinkle toeing his way to a perfect 300 game and that’s when it hit me! We’ll first bury the prisoner up to his neck in shit so only their head is exposed as if it was a bowling pin. I will then stand approximately 10 feet away as I begin hurling 28lb bowling balls made out of rock towards their head until their skull shatters like a piece of rocky candy ( get it again? ) As a souvenir you can keep the skull remnants.
Lethal Injection - Ahh lethal injection, one of my favorites. What we do here is actually quite simple. We’ll take an alcohol pad and swab the forearm area to make it nice & clean. We’ll then take a tourniquet and tie it around the bicep to make the veins pop out of the arm like a boner popping out of a pair of sweatpants. Once ready, I’ll inject a healthy dose of heroin into my system and sit back and enjoy the show as I watch the prisoner get injected with saline solution, sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide & finally potassium chloride ( an old family recipe ) which will stop their heart. I’m high, they die…everyone’s a winner!
* Following methods coming Soon
Hangings - I am currently working on a noose made exclusively from Silly String! I hope to start using it to hang fucker’s in early 2010.
Gas Chamber - This will take farting & queefing to a whole nother level!
Guillotine - I’m trying to get Bic to build me a huge ass razor to use as a guillotine but no luck yet.
Autopsy requires a non-refundable $100 deposit because he doesn’t trust you with his time. The deposit must be received within 10 days of the booking to confirm your date and time. Once again the deposit is non-refundable, and non-transferable to another date/time. Sorry but those are the rules!
( basically if I have your money your are NOT getting it back )
With that said, you can pay me via
If you do not have money then we can barter. Things I will except in a barter in place of money is sex with your wife or attractive female family member who is atleast 18 years old. I will also except Drugs or Alcohol in a trade for my performance.
Email me @
